Today I picked up my new (used) bike from the bike shop and took it for a ride by the ocean. I was overcome by a momentary wave of emotion that was difficult to describe...but after a moment of confusion, I realized it was total happiness. A glimpse of pure joy, which I seem to rarely experience because I am usually busy trying to make myself uncomfortable with societal norms and conventions. What's the point in struggling for change, when that change is not coming from a place of joy or health or serenity? I definitely see the value in moving out of our comfort zone, but when is it okay to step back in to it?
The experience today reminded me of a trip I made to Hazelton last year. It was one of the first trips I made alone to a rural community, and I found myself driving along the highway, singing and smiling in to the sunshine. I was struck by the realization that I'd never had that experience before, because I had only recently gone for my driver's test, so had never been able to travel by myself. I had never found myself in the middle of the highway, alone, and an hour from the nearest town. From ages 16 to 30, I held such an intense sense of doubt around my ability to drive that I hadn't bothered even trying to learn. Even though I had my learners license about six times, I had only half-heartedly considered driving because I thought I would fail. Today I realized that I've had a similar fear and doubt around riding a bike, which made me see a theme to all this fear. A fear of mobility, agency and individual freedom.
It's interesting that I've always held a fairly intense feeling of responsibility to others, and yet when it comes to taking charge of my own mobility, I let someone else do the work. I think that much of the hesitation has come out of a lack of ability to see the usefulness in something as individualistic as my own freedom. It didn't occur to me until a few years ago that without a drivers license or a bicycle, I am not able to just pick up and go somewhere on my own.
So the larger question for me becomes: how do we balance our responsibility to a community, with our responsibility to our own personal happiness and sense of agency? Or on the other hand, what happens to us when we lose sight of our own need for happiness because we are so tightly bound to a greater struggle?
Sweet ride! Hooray - let's go biking!
ReplyDeleteBut freedom and responsibility? Responsibility and freedom... These are big questions, and I'm not sure that I have an answer for myself either. I've had a very different experience with mobility (freedom?). I learned to drive when I was 16 and commuting over an hour to school every day. No doubt it was a huge burden lifted from my folks, because I was given the old family car to drive myself and my two younger sisters around. And since then (it seems) I've most always been the one in the driver's seat.
So for me (especially at this moment), riding a bike is about NOT having the responsibility to drive everyone else around. My bike is just for me, and if anyone else wants to come along, they have just better damn well have their own bike powered by their own two legs. When I say "I'd rather just ride my bike," it's because sometimes I get tired of driving people around and sometimes I just want to do my own thing on my own terms. Plus, the gas. Oh, how I hate burning that shit up. And buying it.
So is riding my bike somehow my way of shirking responsibility that I sometimes feel for other people? I'm not sure... but thanks for the inspiration to think that one through a little bit! (And let's go for a ride really soon!)
Thanks for your reflections, incalculable! I actually thought of you when I was writing that post because I really admire that you got your motorcycle license recently. I've thought about getting mine for a very long time but haven't put any effort in to making it happen. I seem to get caught up in mulling rather than doing, when it comes to these things that will take me places. I know you were partly moved to get yours out of practicality, but it was really nice to see you make that happen for yourself. You thought about getting it, and then you got it. I really admire you for it! Of course motorcycles are also linked to ideas of freedom--maybe that will be next on my to-do list.
ReplyDeleteYour bike is beautiful Sarah! I had similar feelings of taking charge of my mobility when I joined the car co-op in Vancouver. That's when my income stopped determining where I could travel.
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